Scared to Divorce or Scarring the Children?
Are you scarring your children due to divorce? Some individuals resolve to stay in their marriage for their children. They want to break free and to start a new life, but they don’t. Be aware, danger can lurks here…
In time they may discover that they didn’t do their children any favours by staying in the relationship. They certainly weren’t happy, and chances are everyone in the household was suffering because of what was going on emotionally.
The growing amount of damage that is going on for many children due to marital problems needs to be addressed. Often children in unhappy homes are subjected to seeing verbal, emotional, and in extreme cases physical abuse. In manipulative and controlling homes they may see affection or money withheld in order to exhibit complete control over the other party. None of these issues are good for children to be seeing; not only will it leave memories of a very unhappy childhood, but also it role models poor relationship dynamics for them in their future relationships.
The contradiction here is that it is the emotional state of children that often keep people in a marriage when they want out though. They have heard all the horror stories about children with trust issues and relationship issues due to their parents being separated. Yet it isn’t the fact that their parents are divorced that caused the problems. Rather it is often due to how things were handled before, during, and after the divorce.
The inappropriate actions of parents towards one another are what damages children when a divorce takes place. The image of seeing one parent calling the other hateful names or of someone throwing dishes in times of hast is not something that a child will soon forget. There are going to be rocky issues to deal with surrounding a divorce but do your best to show your children that you and your ex are able to work through them.
Children are going to pick up on the tension that is there between you and your ex-spouse. They could be in the line of fire if there is still a great deal of unresolved conflict going on. It can be very unhealthy for them to see such issues taking place. It is possible to divorce someone and still have a decent relationship with them. It is possible for you to work as a team to do what is best for the children.
If you can work out details of the divorce so that the children are well cared for it will prevent them from being scarred. Messy divorces where both parties are blaming the other and getting the children in the middle of it aren’t going to benefit anyone at all. Never say hurtful things about your ex in front of your children. That person is still their parent and someone they both love and respect.
Make sure you take the time to talk to your children from their point of view about the divorce. Let them have some control over the direction those conversations take. They may have questions and you need to answer them. It is okay to let them see your emotions during the divorce as well. Just make sure you reassure them that everything is going to be fine. As long as they feel loved and safe, they will be able to get through the divorce without ongoing problems.
You won’t be scarring your children if you do end up divorced. You do need to make sure you are well aware of how they are going to be affected though. You want to know what to expect so you can be there to meet the needs of your children. Make sure they know they can come to either parent for anything they need. You also need to consider your own actions. Make sure you are fully aware of how they will influence your children.
There are many well-adjusted adults out there in our society that do have parents that divorced. They will be the first to tell you that the situation was for the better for everyone involved. It is refreshing to know that because the decision to divorce is one that doesn’t come easily. Yet if it is the right decision for your family then you just need to put the needs of your children first.